Am I crazy?
Sometimes I feel like it.
My life is good enough. Why can’t I focus on reality? Why am I fighting so hard to be a normal, happy human?
I have work. Last night’s film was good. Productive day today mowing the hall lawn and ministry. And I am shouting joyfully. But the little monster in me that doesn’t feel worthy… that feels worthless… he’s in me all night every night.
Sleep… for 48 days, sleep has been… first fitful and elusive, then sound but dreamless, and now, and haunted with disturbing dreams. Not violent, but there are a lot of familiar faces and a LOT of disappointment, resistance, reluctance to engage.
Last night's dream: a longtime ‘friend’ refused to give me a key. I don’t remember what the key went to. He wouldn’t make eye contact. IRL, the man is typically distant and resists warmth and earnest engagement. But that’s normal for the group of men I served with… they just don’t seem to like me as a human… only as a useful tool.
On the plus side, it doesn’t mean I love Jehovah any less. In fact, serving my God is because it is my deepest desire, not because someone I like wants me to. ANd my love of the friends is love, not because they give me anything.
I had a lot of anxiety that my domain credentials were published… esp after the box came… all I could think was that 100% honesty mean itemizing every move I ever made. I feel bad she got drug through the ringer, but maybe, somehow, she’s a better person? I’ll pretend that she took the praise, felt like a queen and went foward to conquer her world.
I suppose IF someone were in here, they’d have made it far enough back to find enough to execute a man. I did a panic pass in the first 15 days of the new chapter to burn the really honest work. Im’ split on if I should have shared it. Of course I SHOULDN’T have from a strictly principled POV… but emotionally and heartfully, it’s a different story.
Ng was so furious that I’d ruined her friendship with them. IDK… she was hurt at my betrayal… but she’s a strange cat… i think… IDK, I don’t know wht to think yet.
It’s hard to love more than one woman, but it’s not impossible.
I am shocked to learn I'm one of those people.
I’m just thankful we’re through the gauntlet of study and midweek parts about Bible principles and doing what’s right. Sheesh… I felt about 2” tall. Guess Jah again gives me an answer I didn’t expect.
Missing isn’t any easier. Still, most hours every day. I dread being alone with my thoughts. And art isn’t the respite it was, Ng scrutinizes everything. She wants me to be happy, by insisting I be happy.
I know this is for the best. But it sure doesn’t feel like it is.
In 5 years or so, I’ll start to feel worthy again. Until then, I’ll just do my best to be a functional and useful human.
Dreams
Dream 7-16-26 We have been invited for dinner to celebrate discovering a new star. We are in a strange city. We are with two other ppl. Who are the? Jim and Val? I’m not sure. Can’t find parking. We can go to McDonald or a fancy restaurant like ihop. Our friends want fancy. But tirns our McDonald is fine. Find a spot not close that says ‘new star discovery parking’. We park. Inside we rest we go to sit and all the BEST seats have ‘reserved’ written in them. We sit in a small table with no elbow room. I feel nervous we’ve taken a table that isn’t ours. We get settled and I wake up.
My Thoughts
This whole dream begins with celebrating the discovery of a new star. A star is something that was always there but had never been noticed before. That makes me wonder if this dream is really about discovering something new in myself—a new direction, a new understanding, or maybe the beginning of a new chapter.
The city is unfamiliar, which feels significant. Whenever I dream about places I've never been, it usually makes me think I'm in unfamiliar territory in my own life. I'm trying to find my way through something new, even if I don't completely understand what it is yet.
The two people traveling with us are fuzzy in my memory. I think they might have been Jim and Val, but I'm not certain. That uncertainty feels like part of the dream too. They may simply be companions along the journey, or they could represent parts of my life that aren't completely clear yet.
Before we can even get to the celebration, we have to find somewhere to park. The dream makes me choose between McDonald's and a “fancy” restaurant, although it amusingly calls IHOP fancy. In the end, the ordinary choice turns out to be perfectly fine. That makes me think the dream isn't concerned with appearances. It's less about impressing anyone and more about simply getting where I need to be.
The parking space itself is what really caught my attention. It wasn't just for discovering a new star—it actually said “New Start Discovery Parking.” Whether my dreaming mind intended the play on words or not, it feels meaningful. It makes me think this dream is less about a star in the sky and more about the discovery of a new beginning in my own life.
Even then, the parking spot isn't close. I still have to walk. Maybe that's the dream's way of saying I've found the right direction, but I still have some distance to travel before I arrive.
Once inside, another obstacle appears. All the best seats are reserved. We end up at a tiny table with barely enough room to sit comfortably. More than the cramped table, though, what stands out is how nervous I become. I worry that we've taken a table that doesn't belong to us.
That's the emotional center of the dream for me.
No one tells us we're in the wrong place. No one asks us to leave. We were invited to the celebration in the first place. Yet I still feel like I might not belong there.
That makes me wonder if the dream is showing me something I sometimes do in waking life. Maybe even when I'm invited into something new, I still question whether I've really earned my place. Maybe I assume the best seats belong to someone else, and I settle for less because I don't want to overstep.
What strikes me is that the dream never confirms those fears. It simply leaves me sitting there, wondering.
My question:
If I'm truly being invited into a new beginning, can I accept that I belong there... or will I keep waiting for someone else to tell me it's okay to take my seat?
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“May your seas be wide enough for wonder, your harbor always waiting, and your light never fail when another soul is searching.” – The Lantern Keeper