Dear Diary: Day 59
Oh! What a Lonely Boy
It's been a helluva week. This client project was exactly what they always are: crazy. But, I'm getting them work they want to see and by week's end, we should have happy client and I'll be up 15K. Which is CRITICAL since I traipsed all over Europe for 3 months and spent a 4th in Florida.
In truth, I'd like to take that 15k and just drive into the wilderness. I'm hungry for new horizons again. New adventures.... while I'm busy writing about Europe, all I can do is think about what comes next.
I want to find another roasted chicken lunch on the Seinne, another Shakespeare and company. More naked swimming in Antibes, sleeping over the Picasso museum. Listening to the waves rake over pebble beaches, dodging hawkers in Barcelona, weeping at the top of the world in Switzerland... sleepless walks on Lake Como.
God, i LOVE getting lost in old European towns!!
BUT, today, reality insists I keep grinding.
I just packed my wife into the car for a week of education a few hours from here. She and her sister will be in class Monday-Saturday getting reinforced, edified, built up and made better.
Which is good. I know Ng hasn't been the same since her sister and dad died 18 months ago. And I've been a mess since long before that. I definitely don't know how to fix her.
My heart and mind are both a mess. And I think a big part of it is where I live. Dust Meridian isn't kind to tender souls. It's not welcoming to artists. But then again, I don't know that anyplace really is.
Ironically, art is what keeps me tethered to sanity, however tenuous it may be.
Currently listening to Andrew Gold. Love his song 'Lonely Boy' Feels very very apropos for this strange soul.
I'm working through my list of songs from my... not sure how to define someone who became part of my mortar... I'll just say from one of the kindest and most loving souls I ever met. My DJ.
I haven't been listening to a lot of music lately. It's been to hard. But reality is I have to find a way to move forward knowing that she's out there and doing fine. Or at least existing. Well cared for and healing.
I want to tell you all the story. But I'm not there yet. For now, I'll keep opening my heart a little at a time and telling you and me about the way of things in a complicated mind.
For sure: This will be a very hard week for me. I like to be alone, but right now, it's not good timing. Right now I need friends. I need to be reminded that I am valuable and loved.
Knowing a thing and feeling a thing are VERY different.
He has an enormous , giving heart. He is open to exploring new ideas, particularly in literature and the arts. He is whole souled in his devotion to his Creator and god. He self sacrificingly serves his congregation and his wife of 30 years, although it feels like love going down a drain .
Wolf is a passionate Scot who thinks critically. He is largely misunderstood by those in his milieu, which is Nowhere, Texas. Folks around him think small, live small, don't travel, and drink for entertainment.
Wolf has manic depressive disorder, but is trying to be faithful about medicating. He has developed high blood pressure as well, most likely from the strain of his personal relationships.
Recently, wolf has discovered new things about himself. He would like the people around him to know him better, but this comes at a price. He has been over compliant in the past and would like to be more assertive. This confuses some people, and wolf is sensitive to their perceived disapproval. ( He ought to just say, Too bad) His second wife is supportive but asks unvarnished honesty from him. His self preservation has left him wary of letting his defenses down at the risk of exposure and hurt. This is very deep is his psyche, having been abused as a child, and a victim of unscrupulous family members who ought to have cherished him. This causes much sadness to both him and wife 2.
Wolf is a wonderful man. He is joyful, cries easily, and has a contagious joie de vivre. He is improving his Scrabble game. He is finishing books he started. He loves novelty and surprises. He goes deep in his research. A good public speaker, he will be giving the talk one day. Go see it💙👀
I come back to this with frequency. I get a lot of praise, but it's generally pretty vague or related to 'thank you for this task'.
That's likely a truism of most people.
12/12/25
From the park of the National Palace in Madrid, Spain
Out for a walk this evening it's 5 PM sun is setting. We are at the What is this? It's the National Palace. kind of swanky up the hill. The garden is gorgeous. Even in wintertime, the grass is bright green. The trees are all amber. The ones that still have leaves. Most of them have carpets of amber under them, but most of the leaves have fallen off. And I am drawing a fountain. It is looks like some Neptune guys with some baskets of fruits on their hand. And, uh, yeah. Let's see. No water, though. Turned off for the winter. Guess that makes sense, so they don't want to freeze. It's very, it's a very winter day, but not unpleasant. It's cold. Cool, but not cold, I guess. Not uncomfortable. You know, that painful cold that comes, I bet you do I'll bet you do. I love the way people's feet crunch on the gravel.. And everyone's so happy, they're all super upbeat. It's funny he doesn't sound the same when I walk on it. Because the sound comes to you is different (reflected) than the sound of others (direct). There are couples and families.
HEY!, there's naked ladies up there. I miss that. God, I miss drawing the naked ladies. I was busy drawing the naked men. That's all right. They have good musculature. All they have these weird fish legs that curl around, like octopus tentacles, which is very interesting to draw and look at. I don't think I'd want to have to ambulate with them.
The rows here are lined with roses, which are all crunchy and faded. Oh, they're damp. You can't hear the birds. The bird, I guess, there's only one. What a pleasant evening.
Our flight was not even full. But we were crammed into two middle seats. On a flight, there were eight rows across. It was a big plane. I was really envying those people in business in first class. But I turned up my music up and managed my little sardine seat. Nine hours, I slept about three and a half. And I couldn't do much writing. I just made notes, like I just was too tired, too stressed.
I'm glad we ended up taking the different flight instead of going to Morocco, though, because I don't know, it was nice to get on a plane and get off. instead of getting on a plane, getting off a plane, get it on a plane, get it off a plane.
Okay. Ooh, this is beautiful, the Palace. The leaves are all yellow and brown. What a great palette. Ah, yeah. Now, THIS is a walk in the park. I've walked into a lot of parks. There is something about European parks that's different. This really puts me in the mind of the last time I was in Rome. in November, let's see, what day is this? December, so pretty close to the same time of year. It was very much like this. Trees, some leaves on the ground, damp and cool, comfortable, just refreshing, relaxing. I feel like if I'd tried a little harder, I could already be on this timetable. But I didn't quite make it, so. I will go to bed tonight. early, and sleep long and hard, and get up tomorrow, early and make a day of it. Ng's ready to get on the road. I think she wants a hotel. I think she's never really been a fan of staying with friends. So we'll probably jet out of Jorge's I think Saturday morning. and get on a train, stop someplace in the middle of Spain. Spend the night in the hotel. Maybe we'll do that Sunday night, too, in Lisbon, and then show up for Rob and Laurie in Porto on Monday like we originally planned. Then again, we could just buy a plane ticket on Saturday and be there in like an hour.
Here she comes. She's looking for me. I'm probably in trouble. I usually am.
“Lonely Boy”
He was born on a summer day, 1951 And with a slap of a hand, he had landed as an only son His mother and father said, “What a lovely boy We'll teach him what we learned, ah, yes, just what we learned We'll dress him up warmly, and we'll send him to school It'll teach him how to fight, to be nobody's fool”
Oh, oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy
In the summer of '53, his mother brought him a sister And she told him, “We must attend to her needs She's so much younger than you” Well, he ran down the hall and he cried Oh, how could his parents have lied? When they said he was their only son He thought he was their only one
Oh, oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy
He left home on a winter day, 1969 And he hoped to find all the love he had lost in that earlier time Well, his sister grew up, and she married a man He gave her a son, ah, yes, a lovely son They dressed him up warmly, they sent him to school It taught him how to fight, to be nobody's fool
Oh, oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy
Whoa-whoa-whoa, oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy Oh, what a lonely boy
