Existence in Madness: Sunday July 26

July 26, 2026

'Til the blood in my veins run dry

Good morning, world.

'Success is Getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.' ~Dale Carnegie

Good morning bees. No birds or squirrels at 9am on a summer day. They probably start before dawn and wind down by 8 when the heat is on.

Good morning me. Sunshine. Good morning, sunshine. That was, well is, my favorite greeting of the day. My favorite sign-off? Good night, little prince.

Sigh.

48 days of my new-new life. The one... this one. Yes wrote a song about saving a place... 'And you're left with an empty room in peace' — I get the whole song, but not that opening verse. He sings of a lover spent and leaving the speaker in peace. But, the rest of the song is about longing and want and desire. Maybe the opening verse is what happens and the rest of the song is his remaining want.

'There's a stone cold intrusion of mad man's fire'

Sex?

Makes sense in light of leaving, lust and desire released... but maybe it's just an expression of real love and desire, want and lust. Expression of a man's heart with absolutely no barrier. If a man could open up to a woman without reserve of any kind, bare himself to sinew and kidney, that is most certainly a release of lust and desire (notably without physical remedy) and if you leave the object of you affection an empty room in peace... what comes after never ebbs, never eases.

I've been truly in love with a woman three times. Though I only ever made physical love to one. The first love was teen love, but no less powerful. Then my wife. and Chapter 3 was one that I kept hidden deep in my heart for the majority of of my adult life. Never planning or even desiring to act on. K saw it as a lifelong betrayal. J saw it as reason for violence. Not sure how D sees me. I hope she still has love in her heart for me. My money is on that she does. That she understands me somehow.

Somehow.

My wife is an interesting creature. Im so happy to have had the experiences we did, we do. But there's a barrier with her I can never pierce. It may be that there's just nothing inside to meet me the way Wyst does. Just like with Wysteria, there's nothing in her that I can physically connect with, there's a vacuum in Jelly where I want a world of understanding and engagement.

For sure, this mad man's got a fire.

It's physical, it's emotional. it's spiritual.

Oh, Jehovah. Please! be patient with me Father. I am just a flawed man. You know my heart. You know I never wished to do anyone harm... somehow this power got away from me. Was his hubris, Jah? Or something I never could control, i was just fooling myself? RJ told me I 'have to learn to HATE' what is bad. I do father. I hate badness. I hate wickedness.... but what I feel... how that can that be wicked? Flawed? Broken? distorted? But YOU know I am not wicked. I only wish to be whole. To be seen and heard. Listened to and valued.

Thank you for letting me know her the way I do. I am truly sorry I caused them pain, and the rest of the souls there in that tiny place in this big world. In nearly 2 years, the shepherds here have finally revealed who they really are. And I guess you are okay with this Jah. Your Son would certiainly act if it were a real problem. But they MUST be enough, why else would you allow this?

C is broken, I am broken. And everyone here judges us as less-value. As time-no-the-shelf-will-fix-you. But, Heavenly Father, where is the feeling of worth and value? Where is the reinforcement that I am (we are) good people?

Jah, what do I know? But certainly if a woman, broken and imperfect as she is could make me feel invincible and loved, seen, met, heard, verily and manly, cannot the people, men and women in my life who are legally and morally there do the same? Am I the problem?

And what about her? I know why I broke. I can see the puzzle pieces like a masterpiece: trauma and abuse, loneliness and depression, overwork to the point of absurdity, invisibility and overuse, absolute exhaustion and not a soul caring because i made their existence more comfortable.

But I can't clearly understand why someone with the life they want, crafting every nuance to her plan, cannot, did not, does not find complete satisfation. How did I make her better? I don't know how she feels now, Jah. I tell myslef she's bitter and angry and forgetging me. But I know in my heart and mind that isn't true. That she wakes up every day missing me and trying to fight and do what youre shepherds ask her to.

Jehovah, please give her the aid and help she needs. Shin, Potato, JCP, Rck... they all make me believe in myself. I miss Dan and Brad, Jehovah. Why didn't yo umake me leave when they did? I'd be whole somehow.

I'm scared of the future, Jah... I know you're there. and I thank you for taking what I could give when I could. They keep telling me that you remember 'what I did for you', and of that I have no doubt... but YOU were never the problem, it was and is my own broken internal need to be validated.

My honest ask Jehovah: Help me do to no harm. To hurt no one. To be a hand when/where I can. To let me care for Jelly all her days, that knowing me brings her small comforts in the dark when she is alone (I know she is always alone). To make my parents feel loved. To be patient with those who are difficult to be patient with and to never betray my loyalty to you, to Angelina and though legally and morally I have no obligation to my sister that belongs to another mister, let me never betray her.

I'm just a worthless pot, Jah. But for some reason, you saw value in me. And for that, I thank you. Just hope that I can continue to praise you and help others who feel invisible and uncared for to draw close.

I am a selfish pig. But with you, I become a glorious angel of a man. Let me be a glorious angel. But help me to never abuse the trust others put in me. to be powerful and wise enough to say no and mean it when others ask more of me than I can give.

Wisdom. Give me wisdom, Jehovah. And the power to LISTEN to that voice that tells me to do good and avoid bad.

And though it's not my place, Father: you know I love that woman. Please let him take good care of her emotionally and spiritually. to QUIT WORRYING about the material and let that be in your hands. If you can move his heart to sell that castle and go some place where they REALLY have to put themselves in your hands, please do so.

Is that why you permitted this to bloom and flower? For my heart to finally open for the first time in my life? So that he can see that living in the comfort zone is death? Please Jah, don't let him think that my actions good or bad happened in a vacuum. He is her king, her lord: help him to give her what she needs: time, attention and enough energy to keep her fully engaged.

Please. For her. For him. For all of us.

I love you Jah. I never want to let you down. Or anyone.

Amen.

Okay... THAT was cathartic. Now, to the day:

Load the grill and gas. DOuble-check the guest list Send a final invite/reminder Fill the water tank on Van Charge the batteries Load the fan and both Jackaries Load the karaoke machine all 4 tables. Trash bags Shopping list Meeting Rest 5P Softball 6P fire up the grill for burgers and dogs at 7

THIS will be a full day.

| | | | |

In the street where we live there's a place called desire There's a stone cold intrusion of mad man's fire But he leaves when the lust and desire released And you're left with an empty room in peace

Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify There's a place in my heart for you

I've been lost in a maze of emotional confound I believe that you knew that our faith was secure How you kept to be smile with the cool disposition How you stuck in the fire with a new sense of reason

You tell me, “Take it easy,” But it's not my style Something around the corner It'll pass you by I wanna hold you closer To connect my fortunes I wanna take you higher (Higher) Take it out like you did before

Place in my heart for you Place in my heart for you

Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify

Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you...

PHD Thesis:

He has an enormous , giving heart. He is open to exploring new ideas, particularly in literature and the arts. He is whole souled in his devotion to his Creator and god. He self sacrificingly serves his congregation and his wife of 30 years, although it feels like love going down a drain .

WLF is a passionate Scot who thinks critically. He is largely misunderstood by those in his milieu, which is Nowhere, Texas. Folks around him think small, live small, don't travel, and drink for entertainment.

WLF has manic depressive disorder, but is trying to be faithful about medicating. He has developed high blood pressure as well, most likely from the strain of his personal relationships.

Recently, he's has discovered new things about himself. He would like the people around him to know him better, but this comes at a price. He has been over compliant in the past and would like to be more assertive. This confuses some people, and mike is sensitive to their perceived disapproval. ( He ought to just say, Too bad) I am supportive but asks unvarnished honesty from him. His self preservation has left him wary of letting his defenses down at the risk of exposure and hurt. This is very deep is his psyche, having been abused as a child, and a victim of unscrupulous family members who ought to have cherished him. This causes much sadness to both him and me.

He is a wonderful man. He is joyful, cries easily, and has a contagious joie de vivre. He is improving his Scrabble game. He is finishing books he started. He loves novelty and surprises. He goes deep in his research. A good public speaker, he will be giving the talk in Decatur. Go see it💙👀

— I never gave that talk.

The man here described—kind, passionate, thoughtful, wounded, growing. The man others described—obsessive, foolish, and harmful.

Trying to reconcile those competing narratives is emotionally exhausting. The answer probably isn't that one portrait is entirely true and the other entirely false. The more difficult thing is figuring out which parts of each contain truth, and which parts were shaped by the fear, pain, and conflict everyone was living through.