Dear Diary StarDate 260728
I feel like an unbalanced tire. At low speeds, I'm quiet and fine.
The park was marvelous, but it wasn't stress free. I could feel the overload, but I knew what needed doing and just kept moving forward and finding moments of joy and peace in it.
The pressure from yesterday's mismanagement definitely crushed me. Sleep helped. Not enough. Some familiar songs on loop are helping. Feel a bit of a failure though.
This client... they may kill me, but at least they pay well.
Why do I think I'm responsible for everyone and everything? Let it go.
Lunch with a friend yesterday was useful. I finally put words to some of my feelings about layers of oversight and leadership. I think he understood. He's done his own fair share of being “the boss” and knows the difference between managing people and actually shepherding them.
Miss teaching. Especially seeing how rough teaching has become around here. Not forgetting the friends though. Think, like Caesar, I'm probably a better shepherd now than I was when I was actively serving. Not a better teacher though.
Sigh.
My cat doesn't seem to have gotten the memo that we're offline. For a few weeks into our not-very-secret separation, he settled down and cooperated... but around the beginning of July something switched back on. Now he wakes me up every night, and definitely every morning.
Good grief.
Patience and exercise.
Both good and good for me.
Billions and billions of men. And I am me. A single leaf in all these trees of humanity.
Trying not to think. I know physically okay... but emotionally, I made a real mess of things. How many people is that true of? Still, there are countless others whose lives are better because our paths crossed.
Surely no one ever felt like I didn't care, or that I made them do things. Encourage, love, motivate. Not control. Not dictate.
Don't be passive, but don't be controlling.
That's the example I want to follow.
Talk about setting the bar too high.
PSS: Wifey is studying so hard. So proud of her. Sad I let her down.
Loved listening to someone getting ready for a big spiritual milestone. It helped and hurt. Helped because I enjoyed hearing the excitement and the things being studied. Hurt because I'm not going.
Failure.
But it means something to them, and I genuinely hope it's a wonderful experience. I just hope someone else doesn't spend the week dragging the mood down. Some people act ninety before they have to.
None of us are spring chickens though. Softball reminded me of that.
Okay...
Got Client One mostly happy.
Now an older friend needs daily assistance. Around 260 pounds, can't walk, one arm in a sling. His wife is in the hospital after a stroke, and somehow I'm supposed to find people who can come twice a day to get him out of bed and back into bed.
Esh.
I love the man...
Not sure I love him enough.
There is no practical way to schedule people for that kind of care every single day for six weeks. This situation is nuts.
Submitted the first image for the laundry project.
Hope they love it.
Doubt they will.
I hate it.
Tomorrow: only one client.
Working two side by side is miserable.
Wonder how long before I don't feel like a crushed reed.
Talked to some of the congregation leaders about the situation and only really got one response.
“This isn't congregation problem.”
Which... yes. Obviously.
But it is a me problem, and I can't handle it. Would have been nice to feel like the shepherds were shepherding a little.
Brother.
Think I'll go lie down and reread that article on helping others.
Tired.
Midnight now.
Seventeen-hour day.
Very stressful at times. Could feel a panic attack trying to creep in. Prayed hard. Went outside and sat on the swing. Watered the plants. Talked to the bees.
Decided December's game night will have a free-build LEGO table. I already know exactly who to ask to bring a few crates of loose bricks so everyone can just build whatever they want.
Another day in the books.
Another sunrise basked in.
Rain danced for.
Love held and felt.
One day closer to the day.
COME! Lord Jesus!
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“May your seas be wide enough for wonder, your harbor always waiting, and your light never fail when another soul is searching.” – The Lantern Keeper