Dear Diary – StarDate 260803 – Lost Boys and Broken Toys
The sun himself is weak when he first rises
Some days... I lose my mind.
I lost it last night. Hours went by and I could not remember if it was was real or fabrication. My compass, that guided me for so many years, when I check it now, it does not spin, but it bounces wildly from true north to other places on the map.
How does a boy navigate when his direction is inverted? I'm looking for my north star. I'm looking.
Maybe it isn't dark enough yet?
Today, just to day, let's not take life quite so seriously?
Deal?
Okay!
It's never a bad time for a cheese party!
Life in this country is shockingly luxurious. No one has everything they want. But...then I notice the peanut butter section at the grocery store and realize how privileged we all are.
Like nobles in Versailles.
Only with less head-loping.
Hopefully.
Client Work!
11:50a
Big posting to client's client tomorrow.
Funny how advertising is. I'm a guy in my bedroom, ahem, my STUDIO, making amazing art... well 'amazing' is probably a bit hyperbolic... making stuff, that's better. Anyway, I'm selling my services to a production studio. They sell that to an ad agency, they sell that product to the end client.
So, I'm the fourth guy down the chain on this. That's a LOT of approvals to get it out the door and green-checked to go into the world.
REGARDLESS! this three weeks of work ships final on Friday, meaning I'll be back to making sketchbooks, writing about Europe and staring into space. That's what romantic poet essayists, do, you know? Star into space. Though that's usually filled with boy scout stuff like helping little old ladies across the street and fetching groceries. :–)
I may not be a great man, but I'm trying to be a good one at least.
IF it all goes well, think I'll take a few days and go camping next week. My wife get's back from PSS (school) next week and she'll be ready for a break.
Okay! Better get this retouching done... oh, wait, no! It's LUNCHTIME!
:–)
12:30P
Shin-Raising a Glass
Have I ever told you about my buddy, Shin?
This guy.
He's absolutely amazeballs.
I love him to death.
He lives half a world away. We met on a volunteer project fifteen years ago, and if you'd asked me then which of those people I'd still be talking to years later—sharing my darkest fears, biggest failures, and the places where I still come up short—I never would have guessed it would be him.
But here we are.
It turns out we're wired in remarkably similar ways. We have many of the same weaknesses. Our wives have many of the same strengths and struggles. In a strange way, talking to Shin is a bit like talking to myself—but with the enormous advantage of hearing my own thinking from someone who isn't trapped inside my own head.
He's solved problems I'm still wrestling with and I've helped him through some that I've already fought.
There's this beautiful exchange of ideas, encouragement, correction, and goodness that I've only experienced with a few people in my lifetime.
The Bible speaks of friends who are “born for times of distress.”
It's a verse that I have long loved. I think Shin and I have become that for one another.
Ninety minutes on the phone with him leaves me feeling... human again.
Not perfect.
Not finished.
Just... capable.
Capable of being kinder than I was yesterday.
More patient, more thoughtful, more willing to put away selfishness and choose the path of building others up instead of making mself feel comfortabel.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about self-control.
Growing up in a house of violence, anger wasn't something you mastered. It was something people flexed. Tempers weren't controlled; they were wielded.
It took decades to break that horse.
Or at least to get it mostly broken.
I thought that was the battle.
Then I discovered there's another horse entirely.
A quieter one... and WAY more powerful, more intense.
Inward storms that flood worlds not by exploding outward but causing us to turn on our better judgment and chase the unattainable.
Apparently becoming an adult isn't about taming one beast and getting the trophy. It's discovering there's always another challenge hiding behind a tree.
Being human is astonishing.
We have this incredible capacity for love, generosity, courage, sacrifice, forgiveness, friendship. Entire libraries have been written trying to explain what makes people choose goodness over selfishness.
And somehow, one of the greatest gifts in that journey is another person who simply refuses to let you settle.
Someone who reminds you—sometimes without even trying—that you can be better than you were yesterday.
That's what Shin has become for me.
A reminder.
An encouragement.
A friend.
Who makes me want to become the kind of man others can trust. The kind who brings peace instead of turmoil. Hope instead of cynicism. Contentment instead of complaint.
None of us become that person alone.
So tonight, I'm raising my glass to fifteen years of friendship.
To honest conversations.
To brothers who tell the truth.
And to you, Shin.
Thank you, my friend.
5:30pm
Better is the end
Heavy news: two longtime friends of mine who are full time volunteers and spent the last 5 years fighting cancer are on the back end of a 3rd surgery. They THINK they finally got it all. They took all the parts that can grow the cancer... so let's HOPE!
Pray.
The heavy news is that they just found out their volunteer assignment is changing. This is a tough transition, one that I made in my own way and one that I've had 2 dozen friends make. It is never easy, and they're VERY scared. This is a big adjustment. They are in their late 40's and spent the last 20 years doing nothing but taking care of other people. Now there will be jobs to find, homes to rent, a life to rebuild.
It's not immediate. The team they're attached to is keeping them on until she's fully recovered and back on her feet. Which is probably 3 months, I'm guessing.
When you love someone, you only want the best. But what's best isn't always what's easiest. And this won't be an easy change for them. But they are both so kind and so generous, I have absolutely no doubt they will succeed.
There's a Proverb that says 'Better is the end of a matter than its beginning.' And in my experience, this always true. I'm looking for the end of a matter right now, and I'm confident it will work out for the best in the long run for everyone. Wiser, funner and more of good things than not. But sheesh, getting there is the low road to hell.
I know A and M will do fine.
Maybe time to make that guest room ready to guest. Think I'll go say a prayer.
645P
It's been A LOOOOOOONG day. I started at 9 after staying up until 5am because I'm stupid. I fell down a well, what can I say.
Everything took longer than it should have, but without distractions, it was still very productive. I got 4 of my 6 images done. At 30x30 inches, that's an achievement. Then I got changes on them all!
haha! So I'll be up late again finishing image #5 and revising 1-4. Then tomorrow morning, up early and KOing #6 for an EOD showing to the client.
My guys are super calm, so that means everything is supergroovy!
Tonight's screening while I work: Galaxy Quest – Feel-good cooperative to overcome a common obstacle. Scratches my SciFi Itch and my dream of being a space faring adventurer. One day. Just as long as I don't have to learn aeronautics.
I may yet slip these surly bonds.
And surely they are. Surly.
Desert, dessert.
I feel a little fragile, I think that's lack of sleep.
Funny story: well, not that funny: we have a cat. Well my wife has a cat. I tolerate it, it tolerates me. Our deal is: I pet her, my wife feeds and everything else's her. Including food.
That dumb cat pesters my wife all day long to be fed.
Since she left, my wife left out a bowl of food. That was gone first thing this morning.
Cat hasn't asked me ONCE for food. I'd say I trained it pretty well.
FOOD!!
I always forget to eat when my wife's away. It's the nature of 'creative' work. Your brain get's dialed in and you forget. When I was drinking a lot, it was way worse. I'd have a whiskey or two and it would be 2 o'clock in the morning before I realized I wanted food.
Tonight: BBQ chicken and potato salad. The dinner of champions.
8:55pm
### Tearfest
Just got off the phone with my friends who are getting a new assignment. They are in the throes of the grieving process. Learning that they're going to be starting a new chapter in life at 50 is a hard thing.
They know they'll be fine, but they're also going to say goodbye to 30 years of rhythm.
And so we all cried together... I couldn't say enough good things about them and they were equally kind to my wife and I. I feel so unworthy. But I appreciate their kindness.
I hope hope hope and pray they move here. At least for a little while. They're probably six months out... so time will tell. We agreed to make a road trip up to see them in October (they live in NY). So it will be a good transition.
Some days feel so empty and... faded sort of. Grey. And others just overflow with love and joy and kindness. Today may have started a little rocky, but it's shaped up to be an absolute boon.
I wish I could package this feeling and post it hear for you to download into your heart and mind!
Okay! I'd better get serious about work!
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“May your seas be wide enough for wonder, your harbor always waiting, and your light never fail when another soul is searching.” – The Lantern Keeper