I Am
So many things.
I am unsure. And among the most capable People I know.
I am talented But feel I have no worth Making messes instead of art.
I am loved Though forgetting this At every negative whim.
This morning, I am watching the sun rise. There is a breeze. Thankfully, a breeze.
It will be a cool morning. The grueling heat will come later, and not as bad. Fall is making its way to where I live. But it is painfully slow.
I will skip breakfast today. There is drawing to do and existential crisis to have.
I am sore and tired this morning from crawling around under the car all day yesterday. Replaced: Wheel speed sensors (welcome back cruise control), an oil change, new air filters, and cleaning up the engine. I'll have to remove one of the valve covers and install a new gasket as we've managed to develop an oil leak on the rear passenger side of the six cylinder power plant.
I am freaked out about the motorcycle accident. I was okay when I saw him get up and walk away. But now that he's posted online that he broke his pelvis in 3 places, I'm much more worried. First that he's going to be okay. Second that he's not a vindictive opportunist. We do carry comprehensive coverage, but we don't have high limits... I dread the idea of ending up in court over this.
I have an active imagination that won't let me rest.
It is strange that someone who can so deeply and clearly see the beauty in everything can also see the horror. It's part of why I quit watching the news.
Shin called. We had a WONDERFULconversation. He's just a joy to exchange ideas. He had some scuttlebutt/rumors related to a big meeting next month. Suggestions are to some pretty significant schedule changes. I'll wait to see. Nothing would surprise me.
Things with him and the wife are going well. He was distressed that a neighbor got scooped up by ICE agents last night/this morning. Screaming and lights woke them at the outrageous crack of dawn where the neighbor was saying goodbye to her kids to head to work as a hotel manager. It is reported that her mother brought her here as an infant. She grew up, raised a family and was working as a professional until about 12 hours ago.
This is a heavy topic and I shared my own experiences with disappeared people. We need God's kingdom more than ever. For each of us, certainly, but more so for those who are unprotected and manipulated by an evil world.
Heavy subjects for two artists, one a new father. We agree that drawing closer together within our congregation is going to be vital if we're going to make it through what comes.
He's in the middle of a big client project. They shifted directions mid-delivery, so he is in the position of having to negotiate more money. Not fun, but helpful if you can get the client to cooperate.
I was able to catch him up on all the goings on. I was surprised we hadn't spoken in a few weeks. The man has become like a brother to me. Which is good. I need a brother.
It left me feeling quite buoyant.
The broken pelvis thing, less so.
Insurance. I have insurance, that's their job. We've been paying them $1-2k a year for more than 25 years without a claim. It's time for them to do their job.
I think my bigger worry is Ng.
How long do I trust her behind the wheel? This is pretty major. Do I dare risk a greater catastrophe?
Thinking about it makes me feel lost.
But here I am. I can touch.
I see a stuffed leopard. An empty air filter box. Pink string, a copy of Verisimilitude vol 1., a toy robot, an eyeglass cleaner with teh word LOOK on it. I can breathe. I can see. I can smell. What treasures can a man want other than to experience life? If everything I can touch were stripped away, I could still tell stories. I could still write and draw and cry and sing. Thought that last one, not very well.
Life is not perfect. But it is good. There is good. I feel it. But the darkness tries to shroud it.
I won't let it. You won't either will you?
I know you won't. You are tenacious. And tenacity will get you through. And that gives me hope.
Sunshine comes.
I guarantee it.
Tonight is a meeting night. I will go worship my God. Shake my head at some of the presenters and smile at the points we're being taught.
Next week, we're going to host 8 ppl on Tuesday evening for what we used to call 'goodie night'. We would do this once a month years ago when we met in our home to study the Bible. That arrangement has been gone for a long time, we decided it was time to re-invoke some of the flavor. So hopefully we'll tell some stories and share fruit and charcuterie.
The week after that, we're going to invite a family for a real adventure. Get in the field and discover. More on that later.
I sat out last night for a long time and looked at the sky. There were some clouds, but I could still see the night sky between the floating billows. All those stars. Every one with a name. Wow. I had that old feeling again of wishing I could fly. Just stand up and launch into the sky. If I could have, I wouldn't have gone anywhere specific... just up into the atmosphere. Maybe come down on some dark beach somewhere and sit for a while there and listen to the surf.
Life is changing for all of us. Faster than we can really tell. I think of last Thursday and how much has happened in those short 7 days. People were born, people died. They told stories. They fell in love. They had their hearts broken. They cried. They laughed. Someone found God. Someone else lost their way.
We are the all singing, all dancing, troupe of humanity.
We read, eat, sing, scream, love, and savor life. Seize the day, as it were.
Some days that means you set sail on a world adventure. And others? You just sit and write about it. Draw a picture. Drink a cup of tea. Just reflect.
When you do, try to savor the good. Not as in 'the good old days', but as in all of us have wonder and love in our lives. Focus on that. Smile that someone cares about you. Smile if they don't like you. At least you mean enough for them to take notice.
And I think that is beautiful.