Swim Out Past the Breakers
Santa Monica – Everclear
Watch the world die
Released in 1995, “Santa Monica” was the fourth track on Sparkle and Fade. I was twenty-three.
You'd think twenty-three would feel like standing at the edge of an open sky. Instead, I remember still looking for what I'm looking for now:
Freedom.
That's hard when you're built to believe you're responsible for everyone else's comfort.
Children of trauma, am I right?
Yeah. You know I am.
California represented escape. Freedom. Swim out past the breakers and watch the world die.
Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to slip the surly bonds of earth—not to disappear, but simply to be alone in the universe for a while. Somewhere no one needed anything from me.
Twenty years later, I finally moved to California.
It wasn't the promised Eden I'd imagined.
What I learned instead is that no matter how far you swim, no matter how far you run, you don't escape who you are. You simply meet yourself in a different place.
Maybe that's why “Father of Mine” and “Wonderful” landed so hard. Even now, “Wonderful” still makes me bleed a little.
Then, two years later, “I Will Buy You a New Life” became my anthem.
I'd been married five years by then, long enough to discover that marriage contains both beautiful victories and ordinary disappointments. Somewhere inside me was the quiet fear that my young wife had unknowingly married damaged goods.
So I made that song my promise.
I will buy you a garden where your flowers can bloom...
I wanted to give her a life that would make her happy.
I did the best I could.
I'm still doing the best I can.
It turns out I'm funny, creative, clever, passionate, romantic—a whole passel of good things.
What I'm not is good with money.
There will never be a big house in the West Hills.
And that's okay.
Because I've also learned that the house wouldn't have made either of us happy.
I know what does.
Respect.
Creativity.
Laughter.
Intimacy.
Loyalty.
Even knowing that, there's still a part of me that wants to swim out past the breakers and watch the world disappear behind me. To keep sailing until I reach whatever edge of the map my imagination has always believed was there.
But there's too much life.
Too much living.
Too much laughter.
I am a good man.
I love deeply.
I've been fortunate to walk through this life with many good people. Not all of them—but most.
Some of them I miss more than I know how to say.
As far as they're concerned, I'm already out past the breakers.
Some are probably relieved.
Others, I know, miss me.
I know because they are my mirror.
And maybe that's what I've been looking for all along.
Not California.
Not escape.
Just a place where I could finally stop swimming.
“Santa Monica”
I am still living with your ghost Lonely and dreaming of the east coast I don't wanna be your downtime I don't wanna be your stupid game
With my big black boots and an old suitcase I do believe I'll find myself a new place I don't wanna be the bad guy I don't want do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just wanna see some palm trees I will try and shake away this disease
We could live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
I am still dreaming of your face Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away I don't wanna be your good time I don't wanna be your fallback crutch anymore
Walk right out into a brand-new day Insane and rising in my own weird way I don't wanna be the bad guy I don't wanna do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just wanna feel some sunshine I just wanna find some place to be alone
We could live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
We can live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
We could live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
We could live beside the ocean Leave the fire behind Swim out past the breakers Watch the world die
Oh, yeah, watch the world die Yeah, yeah, watch the world die Whoa, yeah, watch the world die Yeah, watch the world die